Time to commit to this blog thing

How did I become an Inadvertent Nun?  Well, I'm single and I don't hook up with anyone just to hook up and as a result I've been single for much longer than I'd like to share with the bloggersphere.  And I spend my days talking to God, thinking about how things to relate to God, and wearing a habit.  And by "habit" I mean Joe Jeans and a JCrew top with Chaco flips.  I didn't set out to become a Protestant Nun (thus the inadvertent part), but for now that's just how it is.  And for those of you who aren't sure.... there are no such things as Protestant Nuns (that I know of), but my life seems to fit the self-description.

As the recession goes it looks like I will be out of job in a couple months.  I run a faith-based non-profit that mobilizes adult volunteers to bring healthy role models to teens.  We are mainly dependent on private donors and as the state of the economy goes, people are holding their discretionary money close and giving has been down.  Down enough that I will have to find another means to make a living.  I'm hoping I can still help kids in the next gig.

So it looks like I will soon have more time to chillax and therefore blog.  Just a warning.

I guess it works

Testing the mobile blog thingy...

blocked

I've been sitting in front of my computer for days now.  I need to prepare 3 sermons for my friends retreat in San Diego.  The theme:  Loving God.

My tan from Molokai is long gone (although being brown skinned it's hard to tell) and my memories are only prolonged by pictures I have on my desktop and around my room.  How could I have such an incredible experience with God and now sit blankly, faced with the idea of sharing how to develop a deeper relationship with God?  I'm a little worried that I have nothing to say.  What have I shown for my relationship with God in the past 8 months that I've been back on the mainland?

What I can say is that I've had a much stronger trust that He loves me and wants to bless me more than ever before.  There are things I have been waiting on that would have caused me much stress before.  Now, I just sit and wait knowing that God met me on Molokai and that God will meet me today in Daly City.  

The edge of the unknown

I thought I was only going to blog on my sabbatical, but it seems that I have felt the urge to write more and more over the past couple months.  So I'm back jack!

Part of my reason for writing today is that I was overwhelmed with an all too familiar feeling lately.  I am a person who needs to know what the plan is.  I need to have a plan for my day, my week, my year.  I need to know what to expect so I can be emotionally prepared, mentally ready, and physically up for the task.  A lot of my stress is due to things that come up unplanned.  I am not a spontaneous person obviously.  In fact spontaneous people with no plans who like to live by the seat of their pants bug me.  It's not that it's wrong, it's just so opposite of who I am I can't comprehend living that way.  

Although the freewheeling folks bug me (I apologize if it's you and I'm being offensive but I'm about to redeem the statement), I realize that I have a lot to learn from them  as well.  Life is not something that can stay within the boundaries of a plan.  As the bumper sticker goes S*** happens.  It's a harsh way to speak of a harsh reality.  

I'm sitting in my room/office today thinking about how I don't know what the plan is for my life at this very moment.  The next few months are a guess to me.  The economy has crashed before it was even official and non-profits and ministries around me are closing up shop or laying off people.  Many of my friends are going to work wondering if they will be handed the pink slip that day.  This is not a time for certainty for much of our nation.

I find myself trying to live with an open hand.  By open hand I  mean living without holding on to what I think, what I want, what I fear.  If my hand is open then God can take my hand and lead me.  If it's closed, there's not much room for me to receive anything from God.  Worrying is easy, living with an open hand... that's tough.

It brings me to Oswald Chambers.  April 29 is my favorite date in "My Utmost for His Highest" because it speaks to the uptight planner in me.  Chambers writes, "Certainty is the mark of the commonsense life -- gracious uncertainty is the mark of the spiritual life.  To be certain of God means that we are uncertain in all our ways, no knowing what tomorrow may bring...A soon as we abandon ourselves to God and do the task He has placed closest to us, He begins to fill our lives with surprises... The Spiritual life is the life of a child.  We are not uncertain of God, just uncertain of what He is going to do next... Leave everything to Him and it will be gloriously and graciously uncertain how He will come in-- but you can be certain that He will come.  Remain faithful to Him."

In pursuit of Agape

I am thankful that I didn't have to jump back into work right after my Molokai experience.  Instead, I have the freedom to apply all that I learned to my relationships unencumbered by Young Life needs.  The problem with a relational ministry like Young Life is that all your relationships seem to gravitate around the ministry for the good and the bad.

I am in pursuit of agape.  During my time in SF and now here in Seattle I have been spending time with as many people as I can without feeling like I'm "fitting them in".    It's been wonderful to spend genuine time with friends and family.  I've been able to spend real time with people, without worry of a next engagement.  There is a joy in being able to truly spend time without looking at the clock on my cell phone.  There is a joy in wanting to be with each other more because the present moment is so sweet.

I am finding that in a pursuit of agape, one cannot take any moment of a relationship for granted.  It is a gift to enjoy, cherish, and devour.

not yet

It's been a week since I've been back on the mainland.  My body has finally adjusted to the time zone although it's almost 2am and I'm still wide awake.  Part of me is just restless right now.  I leave for Seattle in two days, then Minnesota next week.  I haven't even gotten accustomed to SF yet.  Really, I'm not ready to leave Molokai yet.  

I have the same amount of time here in SF as I did in Molokai, yet I'm not connected to God the way I was on the island.  I don't awake to birds chirping.  Instead, I wake up to an impatient neighbor honking their horn for someone to come outside.  I don't see the blue ocean and green grass.  Instead, I have gray concrete and gray ocean because of the overcast.  

Gina, Kimi and I have found it hard to let go of Molokai.  The owner of the condo reminded me it was an island of refuge for the kings.  We keep watching videos and pouring over pictures, talking to our Molokai friends online or on the phone and listening to all the hawaiian music we can get our hands on.  We found refuge there and none of us can seem to let it go.

The trick is moving forward.  Not moving on.  I don't want to forget all that I experienced and learned from my time there.  I want to use all of that to push me forward into even greater experiences.  How do I love my friends and family better, with agape?  How do I love them with that same intensity and passion I had for my Molokai friends?  How do I take time to just hang out with God and let Him lavish His love on me?

How do you keep the Moses-like glow when all you see are people dancing around man-made gods?

Molokai Moments

I am now back in San Francisco.  My heater is turned up to 75 and I'm still freezing.  The weather is foggy and sad here, but it doesn't matter as I haven't left my apartment except to hit the gym and work off all the fried coconut chicken I made in Molokai.

I imagined myself blogging every day for you my wonderful friends, but the dial-service from Mobettah.net (yes that's right) was not consistent and it was painfully slow.  It was not mobettah.  So now I will just have to recap my last week in Molokai the best I can.

I had about a day after Gina left and before Kimi arrived.  The timing of their stay was perfect.  Before Gina came I had been alone for two weeks and had enough of solitude.   I always thought I'd make a great nun, but maybe not a silent one.  When Kimi arrived it was a whole new experience.  To Gina I am her "ate" (pronounced ah-teh).  It means older sister.  That's how we relate to each other.  She doesn't call me Joyce, she calls me "ate".  She knows I will take care of her and look out for her just as any older sister would.  It's a relationship I cherish and love.

With Kimi it's different.  We've been friends for about 12 years now, ever since I started volunteering for Young Life.  She knows me better than anyone.  We have very different personalities, but it's nice to have someone push you and challenge the way you operate in the world.  Since I moved to SF 2 years ago, we've had a tough time nurturing our friendship.  This trip is exactly what we needed.  From the very beginning we poured out to each other, cried, laughed, encouraged each other, prayed for and with each other.  We've never spent that much time together and I am grateful that we did.

Much like taking kids to camp, there was a progression to my time in Molokai.  The first two weeks was for me to settle down and just reacquaint myself with God.  As I read through "The Shack" and "Through Painted Deserts" I was reminded of the kind of relationship He desires to have with us.  

The third week with Gina and our new friends had me think about who I was in relationship to others.  Did I mention that?  We made friends with a group of Mormon guys from Oahu who were working on the roofs on the property.  I learned to appreciate people in a new way.  I love the way Gina can captivate boys just by being who she is.  I love the way Nephi smiles when he plays guitar.  I love the way Mana smiles full of content and happiness.  I love how humble and down to earth Paulo is although he's a UFC fighter and really not too bad looking.  I love how Dara tries so hard to be liked even though he's very likable without trying.  I was enjoying every moment spent together on the lanai singing along with the ukulele and guitar.

The fourth week was where it all came together.  I was sitting in the condo looking at a palm tree swaying in the strong trade winds.  I thought about how much I appreciated that palm tree.  Then I thought about how Kimi and I drove to the other end of the island where the road ends and spills into Halawa Bay.  It was the most beautiful place I have every seen.  There were lush mountains with waterfalls hugging a bay that looked like it was built by a resort.  But there were only two small houses there and no resort in sight.  I felt like God was saying, "Joyce, I made this for you to you enjoy".  

Then I thought about all the things I was enjoying.  I loved the geckos that would stress me out a night with their scurrying and clicking sounds.  I loved that "Aunty Betsy" came by with papayas and that the boys often came with fish they had just caught or coconuts they had just picked.  I loved the solitude of Kepohi beach where I can sing at the top of my lungs and no one will hear.  I love walking along the lava rocks as the waves crash into them.  I love the little red headed cardinal that sits on my chair as I read and journal.  I loved that some seals came to sun themselves for a couple days and let me take pictures of them.  I love the drives into town with nothing but rolling green and red volcano dirt.  I love getting to know our new friends and learning how to speak pidgin and how to play the ukulele.  I love that I woke up with sun and the sound of birds at 7am (the birds start chirping at 6am though).  All of it for me to enjoy.

I had been praying for a year that I could better receive God's love for me. In my appreciation I realized I was being loved and loving it!  It was like falling in love for the first time.  The blue of the ocean seemed bluer and the green of the grass seemed greener.  The Hawaiian love songs were that much sweeter.  I couldn't stop smiling because for the first time in a long time I know that I am loved.  I can't really put into words the kind of revelation I experienced there, but it was something of a new awakening.  I understood just a little bit more of the lavish love God pours out to us.

Kimi and I left Molokai very sad.  I had developed an intense love for our new friends and of course the island.  I didn't want the feeling to go away as concrete replaces sand and buildings replace palm trees.  I didn't want to leave the place where God's love for me was so evident.  We went to Waikiki where all the stores and attractions seemed meaningless.  The streets were jammed with tourists and it seemed that they were all oblivious to the beauty of creation beyond the souvenir stores and the Cheesecake Factory.  I had seen God's glory on the mountain and was now back with people dancing around man made idols.  

I still have a month left of this sabbatical.  How do I take all that I experienced and learned into my everyday life?  I don't know.  I do know that God is the same here in SF as He is in Molokai and I just need to keep my eyes open.