In pursuit of Agape

I am thankful that I didn't have to jump back into work right after my Molokai experience.  Instead, I have the freedom to apply all that I learned to my relationships unencumbered by Young Life needs.  The problem with a relational ministry like Young Life is that all your relationships seem to gravitate around the ministry for the good and the bad.

I am in pursuit of agape.  During my time in SF and now here in Seattle I have been spending time with as many people as I can without feeling like I'm "fitting them in".    It's been wonderful to spend genuine time with friends and family.  I've been able to spend real time with people, without worry of a next engagement.  There is a joy in being able to truly spend time without looking at the clock on my cell phone.  There is a joy in wanting to be with each other more because the present moment is so sweet.

I am finding that in a pursuit of agape, one cannot take any moment of a relationship for granted.  It is a gift to enjoy, cherish, and devour.

not yet

It's been a week since I've been back on the mainland.  My body has finally adjusted to the time zone although it's almost 2am and I'm still wide awake.  Part of me is just restless right now.  I leave for Seattle in two days, then Minnesota next week.  I haven't even gotten accustomed to SF yet.  Really, I'm not ready to leave Molokai yet.  

I have the same amount of time here in SF as I did in Molokai, yet I'm not connected to God the way I was on the island.  I don't awake to birds chirping.  Instead, I wake up to an impatient neighbor honking their horn for someone to come outside.  I don't see the blue ocean and green grass.  Instead, I have gray concrete and gray ocean because of the overcast.  

Gina, Kimi and I have found it hard to let go of Molokai.  The owner of the condo reminded me it was an island of refuge for the kings.  We keep watching videos and pouring over pictures, talking to our Molokai friends online or on the phone and listening to all the hawaiian music we can get our hands on.  We found refuge there and none of us can seem to let it go.

The trick is moving forward.  Not moving on.  I don't want to forget all that I experienced and learned from my time there.  I want to use all of that to push me forward into even greater experiences.  How do I love my friends and family better, with agape?  How do I love them with that same intensity and passion I had for my Molokai friends?  How do I take time to just hang out with God and let Him lavish His love on me?

How do you keep the Moses-like glow when all you see are people dancing around man-made gods?

Molokai Moments

I am now back in San Francisco.  My heater is turned up to 75 and I'm still freezing.  The weather is foggy and sad here, but it doesn't matter as I haven't left my apartment except to hit the gym and work off all the fried coconut chicken I made in Molokai.

I imagined myself blogging every day for you my wonderful friends, but the dial-service from Mobettah.net (yes that's right) was not consistent and it was painfully slow.  It was not mobettah.  So now I will just have to recap my last week in Molokai the best I can.

I had about a day after Gina left and before Kimi arrived.  The timing of their stay was perfect.  Before Gina came I had been alone for two weeks and had enough of solitude.   I always thought I'd make a great nun, but maybe not a silent one.  When Kimi arrived it was a whole new experience.  To Gina I am her "ate" (pronounced ah-teh).  It means older sister.  That's how we relate to each other.  She doesn't call me Joyce, she calls me "ate".  She knows I will take care of her and look out for her just as any older sister would.  It's a relationship I cherish and love.

With Kimi it's different.  We've been friends for about 12 years now, ever since I started volunteering for Young Life.  She knows me better than anyone.  We have very different personalities, but it's nice to have someone push you and challenge the way you operate in the world.  Since I moved to SF 2 years ago, we've had a tough time nurturing our friendship.  This trip is exactly what we needed.  From the very beginning we poured out to each other, cried, laughed, encouraged each other, prayed for and with each other.  We've never spent that much time together and I am grateful that we did.

Much like taking kids to camp, there was a progression to my time in Molokai.  The first two weeks was for me to settle down and just reacquaint myself with God.  As I read through "The Shack" and "Through Painted Deserts" I was reminded of the kind of relationship He desires to have with us.  

The third week with Gina and our new friends had me think about who I was in relationship to others.  Did I mention that?  We made friends with a group of Mormon guys from Oahu who were working on the roofs on the property.  I learned to appreciate people in a new way.  I love the way Gina can captivate boys just by being who she is.  I love the way Nephi smiles when he plays guitar.  I love the way Mana smiles full of content and happiness.  I love how humble and down to earth Paulo is although he's a UFC fighter and really not too bad looking.  I love how Dara tries so hard to be liked even though he's very likable without trying.  I was enjoying every moment spent together on the lanai singing along with the ukulele and guitar.

The fourth week was where it all came together.  I was sitting in the condo looking at a palm tree swaying in the strong trade winds.  I thought about how much I appreciated that palm tree.  Then I thought about how Kimi and I drove to the other end of the island where the road ends and spills into Halawa Bay.  It was the most beautiful place I have every seen.  There were lush mountains with waterfalls hugging a bay that looked like it was built by a resort.  But there were only two small houses there and no resort in sight.  I felt like God was saying, "Joyce, I made this for you to you enjoy".  

Then I thought about all the things I was enjoying.  I loved the geckos that would stress me out a night with their scurrying and clicking sounds.  I loved that "Aunty Betsy" came by with papayas and that the boys often came with fish they had just caught or coconuts they had just picked.  I loved the solitude of Kepohi beach where I can sing at the top of my lungs and no one will hear.  I love walking along the lava rocks as the waves crash into them.  I love the little red headed cardinal that sits on my chair as I read and journal.  I loved that some seals came to sun themselves for a couple days and let me take pictures of them.  I love the drives into town with nothing but rolling green and red volcano dirt.  I love getting to know our new friends and learning how to speak pidgin and how to play the ukulele.  I love that I woke up with sun and the sound of birds at 7am (the birds start chirping at 6am though).  All of it for me to enjoy.

I had been praying for a year that I could better receive God's love for me. In my appreciation I realized I was being loved and loving it!  It was like falling in love for the first time.  The blue of the ocean seemed bluer and the green of the grass seemed greener.  The Hawaiian love songs were that much sweeter.  I couldn't stop smiling because for the first time in a long time I know that I am loved.  I can't really put into words the kind of revelation I experienced there, but it was something of a new awakening.  I understood just a little bit more of the lavish love God pours out to us.

Kimi and I left Molokai very sad.  I had developed an intense love for our new friends and of course the island.  I didn't want the feeling to go away as concrete replaces sand and buildings replace palm trees.  I didn't want to leave the place where God's love for me was so evident.  We went to Waikiki where all the stores and attractions seemed meaningless.  The streets were jammed with tourists and it seemed that they were all oblivious to the beauty of creation beyond the souvenir stores and the Cheesecake Factory.  I had seen God's glory on the mountain and was now back with people dancing around man made idols.  

I still have a month left of this sabbatical.  How do I take all that I experienced and learned into my everyday life?  I don't know.  I do know that God is the same here in SF as He is in Molokai and I just need to keep my eyes open.

24 hours in Maui

Well, more like 36 hours.  Gina and I left Molokai this morning and caught the 5:30am ferry to Maui.  She is flying out to Seattle tomorrow and wanted some time to actually get to shop (Molokai's shopping is not quite up to par).  I have taken several pictures of the sunsets here, but this  morning I took my one and only picture of the sun rising.  The trip was good for me, but several people (including Gina) got really seasick as the water was really choppy from the trade winds.  

We checked into the Royal Laihana (Priceline steal) and the first thing I thought of was "Jesus Loves me!"  It's a beautiful room with a great lanai and view of the beach.  We shopped all day, and had an amazing dinner.  My first time having filet mignon!  SOOOO good!  We also had some really great conversations about what God has been teaching us in Molokai, love, relationships, how to use our gifts and other great life topics. For me, I am learning lots of lessons on my relationship with God and with others.  More on that later.  

I'm pretty sure all of our new island boys friends loved getting to know her this past week too. They came over last night, sat on our lanai and serenaded her on the ukulele.  It was really sweet.

The difficulty of rest

I find myself having a hard time blocking out everything, resting without progression, sitting at the feet of Christ without worrying about what dishes need to get cleaned in the kitchen. Last night in a series of thoughts (none of them completely finished) I found myself in the kitchen again so to speak.

"Will I ever get married? Ooh, I should use the relationships angle from the Shack for my article to the Student Youth Ministry journal. How much playdoh do I need to buy for the Wyldlife camp in January? Should I talk about Zacheaus for the whole weekend?" My thoughts pretty much run like this at 2am on a regular basis. It may be why I'm so tired all the time.

But when I catch myself I have to force a deep breath. Having dial-up internet service, no cell phone coverage, and no stores to shop at have all helped me slow down some. It's amazing how many distractions we face at any given moment. There are few errands to run; few "things to do" for the day. Today my goal is to read and write. That's it. Read and write. But guilt sets in and I fight myself to be okay that I won't accomplish much in the day and I will probably gain some weight to boot. Sitting around and just "being" is tough.

Mobettah Molokai

I have a feeling God had His hand in "unplugging" me for a couple weeks. I wasn't expecting it to be so hard to get internet connection but it was. The first problem is that I don't have a dial-up port on my Mac. That seemed to really confuse Justin from Mobettah.net the internet provider. Wifi doesn't really reach the end of the island where I am. He then referred me to Trevor.

Trevor is an African guy who came to Molokai via Minnesota (?). His business is in a trailer in the back of his house. There are two young locals that seem to work with him. They were talking pigeon and computerese and I couldn't understand a word they said. Trevor looked at my computer and couldn't understand why there wasn't a dail-up modem. "Every computer has a dial up modem. Is this new?" "No, I bought it two years ago." I mentioned the Airbook which doesn't even have a cd drive. Maybe that was too much tech to throw at him all at once.

I finally got the external port I needed but it took a few days, to get it (via phone order and fed ex) and make it work. All of that made me realize, I needed to be unplugged. I have no cell phone coverage and no Internet for the past two weeks. It's been good.

I had two solid weeks of just me and God. I read The Shack and Through Painted Deserts. Both of which reminded me that the main business I need to be about it building a relationship with Jesus. So simple and so true, but so hard. Just sit as His feet? Don't worry about quiet time rituals or studying the social context of the book of Philippians? Don't build a stronger volunteer base or set larger goals for the upcoming year? Just sit as His feet?

The beach where my condo is is incredible. I have dubbed it the Sanctuary. I truly feel as if when I sit on the lava rocks and stare out to the ocean (you can see Oahu on a clear day) that I am sitting before God. Prayer is too formal of a word here. It's more of just being with God, taking in creation, breathing in His air, listening to creation say, "I am loved, how much more you?" The Sanctuary is where I have cried and sang and listened. It us unlike any other place I've been to. It's safe and beautiful and welcoming.

I can't seem to post pictures here, but you can find it on my Facebook.

My cousin Gina arrived last Monday. Since then my solitude has been changed, but it's welcome change. 10 days is a long time to be alone. We also met a group of guys who are living and working on the property. It's been nice to have people to hang out with. They are mostly younger guys, some from Oahu, some from Utah, one from Connecticut: all Mormon, all Asian or Pacific islander. They love God and Jesus, sing on the ukulele how much you can depend on Him, and are genuinely some of the nicest guys I've met in a while. I'm a little unsure about the difference between our faiths, but I'm trying not to go there in our conversations since I don't have a ton of knowledge about the differences. They consider themselves Christian, but somehow I struggle with "the line" between us. I know the book of Mormon automatically changes the game for us, but what are the other essential differences? Any wisdom out
there?

Our new friends have shown us how urban we are. They asked us why would we buy mangoes and Papayas at the market when we can just pick them off the trees (we couldn't identify what one of those trees looks like). Maana also called us ballers because we bought our water. Gina and I felt a little silly when they are living off the land. They spear fish for their dinners and climb trees for coconuts. Darah (the one from Connecticut oddly enough) even shot one of the turkeys that roam around the property, plucked it and cooked it up. That's pretty smart considering I spent $181 dollars at the market my first day out here. Gas is $5 a gallon and the town is 20 miles away. It's expensive to leave the condo.

Today is really windy and rainy at times. Our new friends are leaving for Oahu for the weekend and we're getting some time to ourselves once again. I'll have to write about my massage experience in the next blog. Here' s a teaser: the woman stuck her fingers IN my ears and told me I was a Giver. It gets more wierd trust me.

I made it! Aloha!

My head and Diamond head (hehe)

I got on the plane this morning, kicked of my shoes and prayed for a smooth journey and a refreshing trip to Hawaii.  It was nice except for when we were about to land and I realized I had lost one of shoes!  I started picturing someone two rows down picking up my sandal and asking who's it was.  Then I'd have to sheepishly claim it and everyone would know I had my shoes off on the plane.  I also pictured standing at the baggage claim without my shoes while people looked at me in pity.  I panicked for a few minutes while trying to look cool, but before the last person deplaned I found my shoe and all was well.

I landed at 11am and had a whole day in front of me.  I took the shuttle to Waikiki.  The traffic of Honolulu stressed me out.  I'm glad I'm staying here for a couple days, but the idea of rural Molokai sounds so much better to me.   I checked into my fabulous boutique hotel and set out to hunt and gather food.  Okay, so I just went to the end of the block and ordered take out from Roy's.  In the next few hours I walked around the shops, took a dip in the ocean (okay got my butt kicked by the waves), Caught an outdoor show celebrating Hula Week, bought my dinner from the ABC store and retired early since I'm a bit jetlagged.  Ah the island life :)

Tomorrow I'm taking surf lessons by the pool even though I don't know how to swim.

Back in SF

I'm back in SF for a couple days before I leave for Hawaii. Today I got to spend some time with my roomate Renee. We had lunch, bought a bluetooth (law in effect tomorrow) and watched Sex in the City the movie. Good day.

I'm adding some shots of Seattle I took on the trip.  The girl on the left is my niece Sarah, singer and brown belt in Jujitsu.

Unplanned

I had big plans for the two weeks that I would be in Seattle. I thought, "I'm going to hit the gym every day and I'll see everyone I know in Seattle and spend quality time catching up with all of them." I think I've accomplished 1/4 of that. I haven't hit the gym once and I've made it worse by eating at my favorite burger place DIck's Drive In. Okay, I didn't do a "SuperSize Me" thing, (although I would if I could get away with it). I only went to Dick's once, but I feel like I've been eating fried everything-else for the past two weeks.

As for seeing everyone I know in Seattle. That hasn't quite worked out either. Since I slept the first week I was here I've lost valuable catching up time. Now I am seeing who I can and hoping the rest can forgive me. I'll be back in Seattle in August for my cousin's wedding so maybe I can catch up with more folks then.

One unplanned but pleasant surprise has been my time with my grandmother and cousin Jay's family. I don't get to see my mother's side of the family often since they live in Ontario, Canada but it's really nice when I do, eh?

Different kind of joy

"I think this is women's version of porn..." my cousin leaned in and whispered to my ear. He said this as his wife darted from section to section at Macy's in the accessories floor. We had been shopping for hours and she hadn't stopped once. I could certainly smell the familiar aroma of addiction in the air. Some of the smell was coming from me.

Shopping has always been a big part of my life. Is that a female thing? Or is that just me? From middle school I knew the joy of finding a bargain at Nordstrom Rack. The thrill of the hunt, the allure of red sale signs, the pounding of my heart when I see the signs "Store closing everything must go" or "70% off"; these are all things have kept my addiction alive and thriving. I love shopping and I love a bargain. It brings me joy. Yes it may be temporary and shallow, but it's still joy none the less. Shopping has been a way for me to bond with my mom. It was a way for me to bond with my brother (we had a system and a pattern at the mall at one point). It was a way for me to enjoy vacations, relieve stress and escape reality.

My cousins from Ottowa Canada are here at my parent's house visiting for two weeks. My cousin Jay is a big shopper. My mom and I have tamed over the years, but every now and then the beast gets awakened. Jay has woken that beast. We came home today with bags of stuff (I don't know what really, just a lot of it) and tomorrow we hit the outlet mall in Tulalip. I'll probably let my cousin and her family do the lions share of shopping since my bank account has not adjusted to my addiction.

It's been fun for a couple days, but this shopping spree has a very short shelf life. At least it was fun while it lasted.

I guess I was tired

I slept 11.5 hours last night.

Take my yoke upon you...

I am closing off my 14th year of youth ministry.  My 8th year in youth ministry full time.  In other words:  over 20 week long summer camps, over 70 retreats, about 20 staff retreats, 5 month long assignments working at various Young Life camps, 19 weeks of preaching/speaking at youth camps, probably another 20 other seminar/teaching engagements, recruiting and training around 50 volunteers, meeting hundreds of kids each year, starting two areas from the ground up, and on and on the list goes.  It's not an amazing list (I certainly have friends who have clocked in more hours and done more incredible things within those hours), but it's not a small list either.  

Take my yoke upon you and I will give you rest.... this has been one of the most comforting things Jesus has said to me.  I would run to this scripture in Matthew when I was in high school after crying from the stress of my schedule.  And now finally 20 years later I have permission to take His yoke and sit at His feet (mixed passages sorry).

I've decided to blog my sabbatical for a couple reasons.  One, I know some of you get bored at work  and need to look busy :)  Two, I need accountability.  Although I do want to rest (there is gonna be a lot of sleeping these next few months) I also want to come out of this sabbatical with a refreshed outlook on ministry, my relationship with Christ and my relationship with people.  I figured if I "report" what I'm doing, I'll have to do a little bit more than sleep and watch marathons of "Tori and Dean; Inn Love".  So here it goes...

I am 4 days into my sabbatical.  The first day I spent running errands with my parents.  I love going to Costco with my mom.  It makes me feel like a kid again.  Stopped by to make an appointment with my optometrist while my dad slept in the car.  We picked up Nanay (grandmother) at the assisted living place.  She's always on the phone texting (that's right texting) or talking to someone in the Philippines about the ministry she and my grandfather built.  Never mind that she uses oxygen tanks, there are people to serve!  Well into her 80's I can see my future.  

The next day I slept in till 1pm.  I could have slept longer but my cousin called and said, "Are you asleep????"  I guess the previous week of camp had caught up with me.

Yesterday I was able to do a little shopping for items I may need in Hawaii.  A Mac Airport Express (which I can't seem to get work), a pair of Chacos for my hikes through the island, and a pack of Hanes tshirts just because they're so dang soft.  Spent several hours with my best friend catching up on life and ended up driving home at 2:30am.

Today I woke up at 6:30am to make my eye appointment.  Eyes slightly worse, but no need to change glasses.  Slept some more and watched Juno the rest of the afternoon .  

I haven't seen very many people yet.  I'm still pretty wiped out from the camp.  Next week though, I'll be in full force catching up with as many people as I can.